warning: this post is nothing about fashion, is kinda lengthy and cheesy. if you're not up for it, you can close the window now. i won't mind. :)

Hey Miguel! So, you’re one month old now. I am writing this while you are sleeping but anytime soon, i know you’ll be awake.

I just want you to know that i am so happy to have you. You make me feel complete as a person. I thought being pregnant would complete me as a woman, but being able to give birth to you, has made me more than complete. Fulfilled. The pain i had bringing you here is all worth it. This may be a cliche, as every single mother i know has told me this, as i heard you shouting the moment you came out of me, the pain is all forgotten.

Everytime you stop crying when i feed you, or everytime you smile (i know you still don’t mean it) makes me the happiest person in this world. I AM A MOTHER. I never thought that i can love this MUCH. Or be patient this MUCH. It’s been a month that i have not gotten enough sleep but you are like an award for everything good i have done in my 22 years of existence. No amount of money, shoes (yes, mommy loves shoes!) or sleep can ever replace the feeling of contentment you give me everyday. You are the reason why i am still alive. The feeling of completeness makes me sometimes thing i could die now, but i choose not to because i know you still need me. And deep inside me hopes you will need me longer than forever, if there's such a thing. As each day goes by, i notice how fast you grow, how you can now hold your head up alone, or how you can now slowly hold your bottle by yourself. I am so afraid of the day that you will be a grown-up and start to have a family of your own. I know it’s still too early to think about this, but the last month have been so fast that i didn’t even recognize it gone by. As i look at you while you so peacefully sleep, i wish that time would freeze and you stay this small forever. So that you would always need mommy by your side or i could always kiss you when i want.

When you’re older and read this, i hope you would not be embarrassed and think that i am crazy for documenting every single thing about you. I wished my mom did this as i was a baby. I have no memories whatsoever from my childhood. It would have been funny knowing what i did when i was one month old. You for example, open your mouth before sleeping and then smile. I don’t know if you’re imagining yourself drinking milk and smile because it is so damn good (hihi)? But everytime you do this, me and daddy cannot help but smile too. You look so satisfied and seeing this makes us proud parents. You curl up like a ball after waking up and you don't suck your thumb, you suck your whole hand.

Satisfaction and contentment is all what i can give you now, so you can imagine how fulfilled i am knowing that you are satisfied and contented. But it’s not always that easy though, there are days when you cry more. It makes me sad that i cannot read your mind and see what you need. It pains me when i cannot stop you from crying when other people can. I would give the whole world just to see you happy. There are days when i want to give up, not because i hate you but because sometimes i am soo tired that i think i cannot give you enough. But giving birth to you was the hardest yet best time of my life that i know, and i am sure of, anything harder than that doesn’t exist.

I could only wish that the next months would not go so fast like the last one. I am not yet ready to share you with the rest of the world. For now, you are my little baby and i am happy to be with you 24 hours a day. For now i am everything you need to survive. For now i am the only person you can run to when you cry. But keep in mind, i will always be here for you, for now, and forever. I LOVE YOU MY SON. Happy first month!

Mommy's cheesy, huh?

the lack of posts is mainly because i have been living in my pyjamas for two weeks now. but mind you, my pyjamas are very trendy. this polka dot number is from primark one of my faves. haha. you get my joke, right?

i am still working on a rhythm for the baby with sleeping, breastfeeding and being awake. as soon as i am on it, i will start going out of the house and show the town how cool of a mother i am. hihi. besides, i have big plans of recreating the lovely balmain looks from fashion week and my big box of tights are waiting to be worn.

hey there you guys. just sneaking out of the baby´s room to update. i just finished feeding him and he´s now off to dreamland. the baby phone is on, so anytime i hear him, i am gone.

i am officially a MOMMY WITHOUT SLEEP.
yes.
it´s hard and i am coping.
i had a normal birth but with anesthesia and his head had to be vacuumed out of me since he didn´t want to get out. must have been good inside me, huh? and so for the vacuum to get in, they had to cut. and sew. so my birth was not really that normal. ;) it still hurts when i walk or sit down but everytime i look at miguel and he smiles (i know he doesn´t mean it yet), all the pain i had and the lack of sleep easily washed away.
the boyfriend has been very supportive, thank god. he is now thinking of being a chef because he now cooks for us while i feed the baby. sometimes he gets so scared at every little sign that the baby isn´t well. he freaks out when the baby cries while he´s changing the diaper. he googles every single thing and then comes to me with all the facts he has read. stressful i know, but very cute. that needs a different post.
i have been photographing every single moment with him, scrapbooking with the little time i have when he sleeps and juggling the house work that has piled up since i was in the hospital. people come everyday to see the baby, which is very nice but sometimes stressful. we need to make coffee or tea, prepare everything, and i can´t feed the baby when there´s somebody watching.
i hope i will catch up with you guys really soon, but as of the moment, miguel is on the top of the list and if this means stop blogging, then i will do it. i would even sell my soul just to make that little boy happy. and if ever i have to choose between my shoes and miguel, well, you know the answer right?
so if i start writing about diaper genies and the perfect carseats, would you still read my blog?

i guess not.

Hi, this is modejunkie´s boyfriend. Just reporting that our bundle of joy came on the 18th of September, 2008 at 12:00 midnight. Miguel Leon weighs 3080 grams & is 51cm long. his mommy will be blogging again on Monday.